Hello, I don’t have the best internet access at the moment and so my posts on my main blog have been delayed. Tonight I’ve managed to get online, on a still slow connection but it’s been slightly improved.
This is just going to be a rant about something on my mind.
My social worker came today, he asked the question above in this title. I can’t stand this question, inside a little voice says to me, “Shit. Just die already!” I sit there collecting lots of data inside my head, something I can grip onto and say, “I plan on X, Y and Z,” but as I look through all the mess inside my head, I’m frozen. There are no long-term goals, “Why don’t you have long-term goals?” I’ll ask myself silently, “Because I don’t want them!” I’ll argue back, “Why is everyone so hell bent on ensuring I have long-term goals?” and another voice will say, “Because that’s what you’re meant to do.” And then I say, “But what If I don’t want?” And then I feel this dejected feeling come upon me because I do understand why people want this, need this even. Because we’re all supposed to fulfil a role within society by getting yourself into a place where can be useful, it doesn’t matter much what that role may be as long as it translates to a job of some kind down the line, as long as you’re a useful person. And the lazy man inside of me he can argue till the cows come home that it’s my right to do what I want, that if I don’t want to become a beneficial part of society that is my own god damn choice, man! Peace!
And it sounds nice and fluffy this idea that we can do what we want, but really what that sentence “you can do anything you choose to” really means is, “You can choose anything you want to do, as long as it’s useful.”
If we can’t be helpful in what we call ‘jobs’ we have to aim for something still, whether that means doing what I consider to be pointless courses or an endless pursuit of doing something!
It’s conversations like this that always hit me hard, I breathe in and out with this thought inside my head so strong that I want to have a breakdown, “There is only one useful thing for me to do. Die.” And it’s true and these moments of realisation don’t get any easier no matter how many times I have them. It reminds me that I am a parasite disguised as a man who is ‘trying’.
So the social worker will sit in front of me and ask this question with the theory in mind that I’m trying, and I’m just a parasite trapped in this place where if I say what I’m actually thinking, I will reveal myself to be the parasite that I am.