Are you a recurrent depressive like me? Or know someone who is?
Here is what I’m learning from my many falls into the abyss:
Sometimes I actually need to wallow in it before I can crawl out.
It sounds to others, especially those who don’t have depression, like just giving in to an illness. But what I find is, is that the more I keep marching on as if everything is okay and letting out deep sighs just to try and release that tension building up in me as I continually try and run away from the depressive cloud above me the harder I fall. The sighs get bigger, the depressive cloud gets bigger. I end up like a hamster on an automated hamster wheel that is running too fast for me to keep up. The more I conflict myself with trying not to be depressed, the more intense my suicidal thoughts become.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying it’d be good for me to wallow for too long, but that is where other people come in. Sometimes my depression is just too bad for friends or anyone to break through to me and what I need is someone to talk to, not about my problems, not about my depression, not about wanting to die…. I need to talk about the silliest of things possible. I need to sit and watch comedies on Netflix, I need whoever I’m talking to allow me to bounce off ridiculous, often hilarious (though sometimes dark humour) ideas.
Because you know what keeps me wallowing longer? The feeling of pressure when I already feel like a failure in my lowest moments as it is. You know what helps me climb out of the abyss? Even if it’s only temporary? Comic relief.