I’m scared of winning.

if you google the title of this post it comes up with articles about “fear of success,” and, “how to overcome fear of success.”

A common theme is that people fear success because it means they might fail after they’ve succeeded or that they might fail on the way to success. So a person sabotages their way through life because they’re rather be in control of their failure to succeed than risk the idea that they try to succeed and then fail anyway, showing their true weakness.

well, let me tell you, none of these articles address my problem. Sure I probably do sabotage myself in ways I don’t realise, but my fear of success doesn’t quite align with all those articles.

When I was in school and we had some game in class, or a competition which meant you got a prize afterwards…. I hated it. If we were playing bingo, just for an example, even if I had technically won I wasn’t gonna admit it. Because I didn’t want to have to go to the front of the class and pick up my ‘reward’. Being a quiet kid, I much more often than I liked, won awards like “best child of the week,” or something or other. “Pupil of the month/week.” I always dreaded my name being called out.

If this was a different world but I had the same personality, fears etc, and I was an athlete who competed in the olympics? If I won a medal, I’d want the medal given to me in private away from an audience, somewhere I could be prized with my medal alone with no one watching. See, it’s not so much I don’t want to win, it’s that I don’t dont the attention that goes with winning anything!

For sure it holds me back. I won’t enter writing competitions or photography competitions. I look around at competitions and then I see the words, ‘award ceremony’ and I know I won’t enter. Yes, it’s funny really. Makes me sound like I’m certain I’ll win anything in the first place. But that’s not really it, it’s more that….there is 0% chance of me ending up at that award ceremony if I don’t enter, and even if the chance is only 1% that I’d win anything, it’s still a percentage too much for me. It’s a risk, no matter the minimality of it!

Its not like I’m completely risk averse either, but I am when it comes to being under all that attention.

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