I look at the world and everything is ultimately depressing as fuck to me. I mean literally everything. I feel trapped in this world the more I try to venture out. I look at all these things people do to make money and I just see their lives and think I’d rather kill myself than spend all my waking hours in a office to pay for a house I never get to appreciate anyway because I’m always working.
The truth is I’ve lost my capability go write. Something has died inside me. I truly believe that, because I can’t even squeeze the slightest bit of creativity out. Maybe it’s because I realised I’m never going to make it as a success story in writing. I don’t have the social ability to spread my stuff, and it’s just not good enough. I guess I’ve been desperate, hoping I could make my writing into something more than just ‘blog posts.’
I cant make myself in the image of the man I always wanted to be.
I won’t ever be near enough to even begin making money from my writing. Writing has been pretty much all I had, the only thing I thought I could do and even that was limited. If you haven’t noticed my grammar is terrible. It becomes clear when I write from my tablet, as I am tonight. The rest of the time my writing is corrected by grammar programmes.
I have some ‘deep’ thoughts that make people think I’m intelligent, but the truth is I’m not capable of a lot of things. And to a large extent I don’t want to be. Because i think being human is the worst possible thing and I think all our lives are depressing. No exceptions.
I wish I didn’t have the inherent fear of death that humans have. My only mission is to somehow erase my fear of it.