The internet is the only place I have an ‘adult persona’ or at the very least not as ‘mental’ It’s not that I hide it online, it’s that no one sees or hears what I’m like, there is more time to edit my thoughts before you see them.
Honestly, it’s not that I think people do it on purpose. But, I think people laugh because I can hear it in their voice over the phone. That little breath of stifled little giggle, because of the way I go on, I guess. It comes across as more of a, “Lol aint he annoying but also sort of cute? The way he goes on, etc.” They don’t see that I can’t settle till I’ve sorted all my questions out, till all is answered specifically. I sense the disconnect I have between others. I feel ashamed afterwards every time.
I’ve been panicking about some medical things, phoning round trying to get details on meds. I feel pathetic. Now I can’t settle even though I know the answers to my questions, because I keep thinking of how pathetic I come across. I keep thinking of those little breaths that sound like laughter stifled. I keep thinking, “Maybe I could be different.” I don’t want to be this guy, I don’t want to be THAT guy.