I have been a coward of the biggest kind, I have spent what feels like most of my life preparing in some capacity for death. It’s scarier to prepare for life because life could be taken away from you at any moment.
I have had so many moments in my life where I dared to enjoy something, do something with some confidence only to have everything taken away from me.
It’s hard for me to say these words because it means admitting the truth and it means I’ve become conscious of something that should change my life. And I’m scared I’ll fail, I’m scared that my depression will take over and disappoint not only my own hopes but other peoples. But, I know the nature of my depression all too well. I should know, I’ve had it since I was a child! I’m not one of those people who developed it in their teens, or adulthood, I’ve had it so long my childhood was tainted by it. This has been, and from my knowledge of it, I have no doubts it will remain a lifelong struggle for me.
I’ve thought more and more about how I wish to be remembered when I am dead and gone. I should be going into hospital soon for some treatment, and I’ve spent so long thinking death is imminent in some way either by my own hand (though I’d say depressions hand really) or medical problems mostly related to my heart. I know I don’t want to be remembered as that, “very depressed scared individual. Pathetic. Didn’t even try. A coward.” These last few weeks or so I’ve been trying to ‘live life more to the full’ as people say, or being more pro-active I guess. But, in the back of my mind I’m acutely aware that every step I take feels like I’m going to lose something. Mostly, people in my real life who support me, as in they’re paid to support me. Because I’m also aware that whatever progress I have made and might make in the future doesn’t change the fact that I get stressed out at situations that most other people would consider part of their ‘normal’ everyday life. I’m scared of appearing more capable than I feel, am, and I’m afraid of not appearing competent at all!
It’s a strange place to be. It’s also strange to be in this place when it feels like now more than ever, my life is potentially at more risk than usual. It feels like the revelations may indeed be too late, that may be me being dramatic. I don’t mean to be cryptic, but I’m trying to get this out of my system while also not wanting to disclose certain things I’m currently going through.