It’s a severe problem of mine.
I have some aspirations but I never allow myself to get far, I sort of allow myself to live in a false pretence inside my head. I’ll tell myself, “I’m working on it.” When actually I’m often actively avoiding the steps I know I could take. Sometimes I get as far as just nearly taking that next step forward, then I realise how ridiculous I feel. It’s almost like I’m constantly embarrassed by my own existence, by pretty much everything I want to do. I feel other people’s laughter and mocking before I put my foot in the door. My aspirations ‘aren’t modest enough’ I tell myself, for someone of my character, of my talent and so I should rightly be laughed at! In what world do I think I should even consider making anything of myself? Part of the reason may stem from the depression that always beckons in my head, because to some extent I know what I can get like, I can turn around one minute and say I love writing! And the next, I’ll be so cut up about everything that I’ll think to myself, “I can’t be bothered.” Or worse, I feel like I can’t cope anyway. But, it’s also a self-esteem issue, I know that. But it seems to me it doesn’t matter what anyone else tells me because, to be honest, I don’t really trust anyone. But that isn’t really a judgement on anyone else because I don’t trust myself either. I only trust people who tell me I’m shit because I trust they’re telling me the truth more than anyone who says anything nice about me.