Ashamed

I don’t touch on this topic much, if at all.

Okay, who am i kidding. I haven’t ever mentioned this topic once since blogging. The shame runs deep, i guess.

Whenever I think of this topic, which for a whole host of complicated reasons make this whole thing difficult to unravel, I get an image of my father in my head. It’s a look of disgust, a look of complete disdain. He’s never particularly looked at me this way in real life, maybe once a twice he’s had a look on his face that almost merged to it, but that was disgust or anger or whatever at things not related to the topic at hand. Things like not going to school “Again?!” “What do you mean you won’t leave the car? You mean i’ve drove you here and you’re not even gonna get out?”
I have however, seen the disguted look on his face when a certain topic has come up on the television. Men who have sex with other men. He doesn’t look much less disgusted at heterosex on TV either though, but it seems a little less so. And seems perhaps more embarrassed than just plain disgust.

Here is the thing, I am interested in women mostly. I think. But I have ‘lapses’ I say that as if i’m addict to some kind of drug i shouldn’t be, because I just can’t seem to get past the disgust phase to be honest with you. I have lapses where I think of men, look at pictures of men…. you get the picture. And just as suddenly as the urges come to me, which can last for days, to weeks, i will become disinterested in men in that way and I must admit i’m always heavily relieved when my preference regains it’s focus on women. I start telling myself it’s because I was becoming fucked up by viewing too much sexual things online. It trained my brain to like cock. And if I just stop completely, the urges for women will eventually come back to me and the ones about men will completely disappear. I don’t know if my interest in men ever really does disappear or if I phase in and out of complete denial. If i manage to wind myself back into deep, deep denial and just keep letting a forest grow there till all urges of wanting anything to do with men sexually are hidden.

I don’t know how long this post will stay up. I guess it depends how long it takes for my ability to admit it lasts, I’m warning you this could be one of them things, where my denial and disgust will take over and i’ll delete this post in the hopes it never gets mentioned again, in the hopes i can just start again and come up with some excuse as to why I had a ‘temporary’ interest in men and how that now i’ve settled it all, i know I just like women. I’m perfectly heterosexual! Nothing gay about me at all! Nope………..Just don’t tempt me with any gay pictures….. Please! But oh seriously, i’m not gay in the slighest bit at all!

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