I wish to be ambitious

I’ m not ambitious. I wish I had ambitions to at least be ambitious. But I don’t. You could say my wish I had ambitions to be ambitions, is an ambition. But it’s not. It’s a wish, an empty wish.

when people ask me what I want to do with life, “nothing” isn’t considered a good enough answer.

I hear we’re meant to feel inspired by certain types of people, I am alienated from that feeling. I don’t feel inspired from people who “have it worse but get by anyway” or by people who climbed up some ladders to be “high achievers” or people who apparently ‘coach lives’ don’t inspire me either. Therapy certainly doesn’t inspire me. Inspirational talks with sob stories, about how they got from a dark place or some critical disaster, to being the supposed shiny happy person stood on the stage talking about how…. well that’s just it, they don’t talk about anything in particlar. Just show really overly happy photos of them doing amazing things, despite the fact they’re blind, have no legs and have a horses head here is a photo of them managing to surf, and then an ironic photo of them riding A horse….. the point is, some awful accident left them this way, after years of apparently taking their life for granted. Now they’re enlightened and everyone is in awe. Or so they tell me. Though they can’t be that awed as the very people that often say they’re deeply inspired by some “worse off case” often don’t do much different with their lives. And in a day or two they’ve forgotten about that legless footballer, who also eats apples despite also having no teeth.

These people like to stand there, or sit there and show how great they can smile despite their harrowing pasts, despite their disability. They preach this idea that anyone can be like them, that it’s your choice. Essentially what they preach amounts to “you can choose who you are” or “you can choose who you want to become and become that person” but it’s bullshit. I’be tried to Be inspired, I’ve tried to fake it till I felt it. Yes, people believe if you fake a feeling enough it will become real. A bit like that whole “fake it till ya make it” claptrap. I’ve tried choosing who I am, who I want to be and creating that person I want to be. I’ve tried it all to some degree. And it’s bullshit. None of it works. You can’t choose who you are. Don’t buy into that bullshit. You’ll feel like you’re becoming who you are for a week, tops. But you won’t be able to keep it up, if it’s not you. You just won’t.



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