I order things online. I don’t go out much. I rarely if ever, go out alone.
I’m okay when I order items I’m fairly certain will be able to be pushed through the letter box. Dvd’s, books (unless it’s a big book) that kind of thing I can sit easy with. It’ll come in the letter box I tell myself. It’s okay, I tell myself. But for some reason amazon has a habit of delivering Paracels as if I asked for special delivery(I swear they have me down on a list of people who buy so much from them they will do special delieveries unexpectedly. I buy a lot of books…) this bugs me. I don’t like answering the door. I hate to say it, it makes me sound pathetic. “A man scared by the sound of someone buzzing his flat?” It’s not that I’m scared, I don’t sit in my flat in horror when it buzzes. I just….don’t like it to go off unexpectedly. I don’t know how to explain it. I just don’t like it.
I don’t like when I order anything I know will come in a box that can’t be posted. I’ve just cancelled two items because I was getting too angsty about the delivery. I’m frustrated with myself. But I just can’t seem to do this anymore. I’m so tired of the angst that comes with such seemingly trivial shit. I’m so tired of the angst that I’m now just avoiding the whole scenario all together. Because I get a lot of books, people laugh at the idea of me being angsty about ordering online. But they don’t see me behind closed doors, they don’t know that about 90% of my orders are just books, and how even for things I know can be posted through the letter box (or probably should be able to be) I have to keep telling myself that it’s okay.
It seems I’ve spent my life trying to tell myself shit is okay, over things that seem trivial to others. Things that if and when I’ve voiced my anxiety and such i get told to grow up. Get a life, get a grip etc.
I start thinking “what if I’m out with one of my support workers when they deliver?” “What if they give my parcel to a neighbour?” “What if they deliver at a time when it clashes with someone else in this building going out the door, or a visitor arririving at the same time?” I don’t like that. Again, I don’t know why. If I can, I will tend to try and avoid walking or wheeling when in chair, down a path or coridoor when someone else is walking on the same path in close proximity. As in, the person can be further ahead and I’ll walk or wheel behind them. That’s fine. But if I catch up to the person too close, I stop. I wait a bit. If someone is walking behind me, I let them walk by. If someone is walking like a head on collision, I will tend to either turn back to a point where I can stop and let them pass or step to the side and let them walk past, or slow down but if possible give them a wide berth.
Every time I order something, there is this thing inside me. Anxiety I guess.
Its my brain.
the anxiety comes like a ball of uncertainty, lots of energy, not good energy, angsty, anxious energy. All the possible interactions that could arise because of a delievery. I hate it.