I said something tonight to someone. Something containing ideas of violence that I’d like to to do to someone who irritates me.
He irritates me for a reason only known to me, that I dare not say aloud to anyone.
I’m not a violent person. Honestly, I’m not.
I know one reason this person irritates me so much, but i don’t know why when I was doing quite well with the situtation, the mere mention of the person triggered the anger within me that I hadn’t been feeling this past week. For one main reason, I’ve been ignorant to this persons existence. I haven’t heard him about, I’ve been distracted with my own things. Essentially i’ve not payed attention. But the instant attention is paid to him, the instant he comes up in topic, I feel the irritation rise inside me. And i say shit i probably shouldn’t. And I always feel weak after i’ve said it, i always feel irritated with myself for letting it get to me. I come away feeling like a terrible person.
Why do i feel so much irritation? Why does the mere mention of him make my blood boil? Why do I feel a need to make it be known that “I don’t give a shit why he does what he does, it just excuses him for everything. I don’t give a shit quite frankly. He’s just an arsehole” why am i so adamant in my irritation? Why can’t I just let it go?
I don’t want to be one of those ‘petty’ people. But I also can’t help having the feelings i have. You can’t stop yourself feeling things. You can’t just say to yourself “right now let it go” and it’s all gone. You can say to yourself on a logical level, that it’d be better for you, for them, for everyone and easier in the long run if you just let it go. But that doesn’t feelings don’t often come with logic. You can logically understand something, but your feelings make your feel the exact opposite to what logic says would be the more appropriate emotion to the situation.
How do you get rid of feelings? How?
I’m so tired of living in my mind. I’d had a serious, major blip recently. Went all suicidal, as in doing things to try and put my life in risk. I was starting to feel a little less agitated with everything, but tonight I’m back to feeling like i can’t bear living inside my own head. And my own head is the only place i can exist.
I’m tired of people mistaking me for being okay. But i’m too afraid to show i’m not okay. and when I do let someone in, I let them in for a temporary period then i close off and go back to being ‘okay’ because i know they will tire of me not being okay. Because it seems i’m never okay. and i don’t think i ever will be. I don’t know how to be.