Reading those words
‘risk of dying’
In black and white
How are you supposed to feel about that
When it’s directed at you?
I guess i’m meant to go onto some emotional journey where I find myself and think wow I need to appreciate every moment of life and if i make it through, well all will be okay and I’ll have a new zest for life.
It’s not that I don’t fear death.
I just don’t ever seem keen on committing to life either.
I guess i’m tired of being invisble. Yet I fear being visible.
There are so many aspects of my life that have remained invisible in some way, while others can’t help flaunt things in peoples faces, or just feel free enough to do so. My health concerns for the most part are invisible. Honestly, I know i shouldn’t, but i envy those who have it show and therefore taken more seriously. It haunts me that I envy them, it makes me feel like an attention seeker. I hate that i feel this way.
To make matters worse, it’s getting to me that the choices i’m making, that i feel aren’t much of a choice but are seen medically as choices weigh heavily on me and only me. And i’m alone with it. I want to crack enough for my insanity to become visible to others, i want to be removed from all responsibility. I want people to see my pain, actually see it.