Invisible illness, risks and death

Reading those words
‘risk of dying’
In black and white

How are you supposed to feel about that
When it’s directed at you?

I guess i’m meant to go onto some emotional journey where I find myself and think wow I need to appreciate every moment of life and if i make it through, well all will be okay and I’ll have a new zest for life.

It’s not that I don’t fear death.

I do.

I just don’t ever seem keen on committing to life either.

I guess i’m tired of being invisble. Yet I fear being visible.

There are so many aspects of my life that have remained invisible in some way, while others can’t help flaunt things in peoples faces, or just feel free enough to do so. My health concerns for the most part are invisible. Honestly, I know i shouldn’t, but i envy those who have it show and therefore taken more seriously. It haunts me that I envy them, it makes me feel like an attention seeker. I hate that i feel this way.

To make matters worse, it’s getting to me that the choices i’m making, that i feel aren’t much of a choice but are seen medically as choices weigh heavily on me and only me. And i’m alone with it. I want to crack enough for my insanity to become visible to others, i want to be removed from all responsibility. I want people to see my pain, actually see it.

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One thought on “Invisible illness, risks and death

  1. I think a lot of us can sympathise with that view – how different life would be if mental illness were somehow visible to others! There’d be no stigma for a start. I think the main difference between physical and mental illness is that the latter is far more of a broad and complex problem than the former. There is no one remedy that will suit everyone who is mentally ill.

    So, as much as it can seem like you’re attention seeking (I know the feeling at times) the fact is that you’re not – you’re simply trying to make yourself feel better. That’s why therapy is a thing, and sure enough, for many it can be very helpful on the path towards recovery.

    Like

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