my hearts not in it

I can’t find it in my heart to commit to anything, or anyone. I know it’s selfish but I just can’t. Maybe because I know deep down I don’t even want to be committed to being alive. I want the option of suicide without the guilt of it wearing me down. I still have guilt that stops me in my tracks. But as alone as I feel, and sometimes it overwhelms me, I don’t really want to be close to anyone. I don’t want the commitment involved. I’m too selfish. I know it deep down, I’m just too selfish.

Sometimes I try to become interested in something, or get back into the groove of something I used to do/like previous and in the end I sit back down and feel….too tired to care I guess. Like my hearts not in it, it’s all just for show. I go through phases where I suddenly seem to come alive with ideas, I’ll be a religious supporter of the football team I’ve loved since a kid, and sure there is always a fondness for the team even in my ‘I don’t care enough’ days I have some fondness of them. I’ll buy things that involve some activity, like a darts board. And in the end I find my hearts not in it. I don’t care, how can I care when it always comes back to this, I wish I weren’t alive.

I have a love for animals. This in mind, and coming from a home full of dogs and being someone who has always looked after animals as well as possible the obvious suggestion of a pet comes up. I recently decided on a budgie. I haven’t got the pet yet. I’ve been building up equipment and such ready for when I get the budgie. But here is the thing……maybe I’m just over tired and I’ll sleep on it and feel better. But…. The more I let myself think about it, the more on edge I feel about the entire thing. Committing to a pet. I’ve got the cage now and everything.

People ask me do I yearn for realationship or friendship. I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I had friends, other times I’m so glad I don’t have friends it’s unbelievable how relieved a person can be to not have friends! I just don’t know. Do I wanna be alone, really? Why can’t I commit to the simplest of things? I think we know why I haven’t successful committed suicide now don’t we? It’s the committed part…..

Fuck. I’m so messed up. I wish I could say I wanted or don’t want the other and just leave it at that, but I’m so mixed between the two. Though often the not committing one is the strongest impulse and usually the one I go for.

It’s the stress of everything. I don’t want to commit when I find the idea of simply being alive stressful.

I really, really wish I would just off myself so simply. My heart really isn’t in on this life.

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