I’ve been trying…

That living thing. Not coming on the internet as much. I like not coming on the internet as much, but at the same time the internet is safe. Mockery you can face on the internet isn’t the same as face to face mockery. I don’t care for it, I rarely take such internet fluff seriously.

But now i’ve been being more myself, not holding back as much in habits that were tiring me out to hide, but now i feel over exposed. Trying not to care what others think. I’m on edge waiting for potential ‘attack’ i’m waiting for the moment someone pounces and humiliates me or simply surprises me in that humorous way people sometimes do, which can be friendly in some contexts and mockery in other contexts and occasionally the line can be blurred and it’s hard to tell what it really is. I don’t like surprises. One of my fears, apart from fears of being imprisoned wrongly, humiliation in general is of surprises. I’d sooner have a mental break down at a surprise party than I would be happy about it.

I’m trying and i’m drowning in my own trying. Because I feel so fucking over exposed.

I feel like an imbecile.

The internet is safe. It’s also kinda numbing.

I just don’t know.


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