This is a blog for me to unleash my madness, without it interfering with my more ‘productive’ side of blogging.
This is the first post here. I’m just going to jump straight into my thoughts at this present moment.
I have a problem. A debilitating problem. No exaggeration here, it’s debilitating to the degree it causes me severe distress, rarely does a week go by without having at least one little or sometimes big ‘melt down’ and the dibalitating problem, I recognise is my own but, it involves other people and my perception on whether or not they’re currently suffering. My meltdowns look like your stereotypical autistic meltdown. Crying, wailing, screaming, head banging, fast anxious rocking back and forth (as opposed to my usual calm slow rocking, which is not constant and I can control it to some extent, though it feels very tiresome and like a burden to purposely try not to rock, I’d prefer to just rock peacefully without people judging me for it and telling me to stop), pacing as much as physical possible given my physical limitations, and kneeding my hands. I’m not so sure it’s empathy, I don’t know what it is. It isn’t the only reason for ‘meltdowns’ but it’s one of the top reasons.
due to my own feelings and my own severe torment, I struggle to grasp the concept that people get through their suffering in one or another, most of the time. One of my first concerns is that the person I perceive as suffering is suicidal. My ‘meltdown’ at being ovwhelmed in the presence of someone else’s assumed suffering or known suffering piled on with my own pain that is wholly my own, I too start to spiral into suicidal thoughts. The world feels too big and too small all at once, I become overwhelmed with all the intricacies with life, the fabric of time and how that fabric of time just goes through the tears, or even the cheer, it goes through it all like a careless Entity that just continues on.
The intesity to which I feel everyday feelings is just too much.
I became a ghost as a teenager for several complicated reasons in my life. But one of them reasons is exactly what I’m saying here. I was laughed at and mocked on a consistent basis, for selective mutism at school, for awkward social behaviour and other things. I became locked into becoming even more awkward due to the mocking of already awkward behaviour. I became extremely rigid in my ways, freezing on the spot holding so much energy inside my that when I got home from school I climbed the walls, desperate for any friend to be hanging out with me at all times, lest I be left on my own with all my extreme anxious, thretting, sad, hyper, passionate energy. This storing up of so much awkward, socially unacceptable energy became so tiresome, I became so, so, tired. I became zombified with it. I lost the friends I did manage to make, and self harm became my refuge. Cutting was a release. I’d learnt early on that my behaviour wasn’t appreciated, that people were scared of being seen with me acting as I did (for example rocking) that I became rigid. And then alone, with no more friends I would let all that pent up energy feeling like I was suffocating from holding it all in, and I’d bang my head, rock, pace etc and then I started cutting myself. Watching the blood was a distraction from all the thoughts inside my head, all the things I wanted to ask and say to people that I held in out of fear they’d give me that usual look of “wow what a strange question” “wow you’re so weird” or just plain irritation on their faces because “I’m too much”
i self harmed the other night during a meltdown. It was over something simple and stupid. But in the moment I was overwhelmed. I’d managed to go nearly 2 weeks without self harming, funnily enough this slightly prolonged period of no cutting, has been during a time I’ve somewhat let myself do what I need to do,if that means rocking I’ve allowed myself to do it, even in some social settings. It’s soothed me. I’ve taken my trainers off and socks off to feel the texture of grass on my skin and enjoyed the tickling sensation. Sometimes though it’s just too overwhelming.